This season of The Bachelor, the 2. Spoilers ahead, duh.

And in a single scene, we feel the very honest heartbeat of ABC’s sudsy summer treat. We left our Bachelor in a tough place, y’all.

Clear your schedules and empty your bladders: We’re in for three straight hours of The Bachelor (if it lasts for more than four hours, you should call your doctor. Katy Perry Dishes on Taylor Swift Drama during Carpool Karaoke This feud is literally never going away; The Bachelorette Season Premiere. Entertainment; The Bachelor Season 21 Episode 10 Recap: The Women Tell All About Nick Viall. Season 3 ends with engagements and heartbreaks. One panicked bachelor voices his concerns to a devastated bachelorette; one vulnerable woman worries that her reserved. Empire Season 3, Episode 6 Recap: That Was NOT Who We Were Expecting.

It was hometown dates week on The Bachelor. This is always an interesting time in the season, since it's the first time viewers get to meet the families of the four.

Settling in to watch, I am proud of Nick Viall, Vanessa Grimaldi, and Raven Gates for having made it this far—but I am even more proud of ME because I could have looked up spoilers at any time and never did. I am an honest lass!

I want Raven to win because Nick doesn't seem ready for marriage, but he and Raven get along; maybe if they can date for a few months and have fun it'll boost both of their self- esteems and then their future relationships will be better. Having a relationship go well boosts your confidence and allows you to become more self- actualized, right? Sorry, everything I know about psychology I learned from Failure to Launch. Vanessa's pretty and everything, but she and Nick don't seem to actually like each other or really get along very well. They can't just hang. Everyone thinks they want a dramatic and passionate romance, but the best relationships are the ones where you can just be yourself. Passion is fun in theory but uncomfortable in execution, like choosing ?

Chris Harrison is in a warehouse of women in cocktail dresses, teasing that something . Is it a wedding? The announcement of a pregnancy? A Christine Chubbuck- style live suicide? In any case, Rachel is coming back to spread her light. PHOTO: Terhi Tuovinen. Back in Finland, Nick is still pronouncing arctic .

His family can barely contain their agony that Nick isn't head- over- heels for either of the remaining women. Raven and her hair extensions arrive to chitchat and nosh with the Vialls, and she seems to fit in fine. Bella, Nick's adorable kid sister, has taken a shine to Raven; the least he could do as a good big brother is marry Raven. Raven doesn't seem super crazy about Nick either. She's awfully analytical.

Nick is so guarded. I get Ted Mosby vibes from him. This show is sad.

OK, so now my guess is that he picks Vanessa but then . She tears up and, after prompting, Nick admits, . Vanessa, what is your sad backstory? I must know! Nick and his father discuss Nick's propensity for women with ?

As far as I can tell, my guy friends are attracted to traditionally good- looking gals who aren't too tall or loud and are, in fact, kind of bland. If you're reading this, YOU are the exception!) Sorry, back to the show. Nick's dad tells Vanessa that love isn't enough to make a marriage work and then cries. This is literally so boring. This is as boring as the women the guys I like date. Vanessa is crying.

PHOTO: Terhi Tuovinen. OK, now my guess is that in the live finale, Nick reveals that he has, blessedly, entered therapy. Nick's family gently points out that if he felt about Andi and Kaitlyn the way he now feels about Raven and Vanessa, uh, maybe that's not the feeling to follow.

Back at the airplane hangar, Chris takes a straw poll: a handful of girls think Raven will win; the majority go for Vanessa; a mighty few are sure that Nick will once again be alone and therefore, I'm guessing, available to date those audience members. Vanessa claims that she is feeling . Does she mean new for her or does she think she invented a new type of love?

Is this like at my 1. I thought my friend Juliet invented saying ? It's totes like that. Their date activity is horseback riding through the snow, and it's honestly beautiful. As Nick so eloquently puts it, . What the damn hell is this?

It's not even Christmas! This is bullshit. Santa as a metaphor for faith in love is stupid.

I like Elf as much as the next gal but come on.. Comedy Classes Episode Download Free. Nope. PHOTO: Terhi Tuovinen. Is Vanessa about to leave this guy?

She looks miserable. She doesn't want to compete for Nick's heart, which, fair, but had she not seen the show before she signed up? Oh my God, she's crying again. Guys, please do not get together; you do not make each other happy. OK, now my guess is that after the final rose we will find out that Nick has been dead the whole time. Possibly a week from getting engaged, Vanessa and Nick sit as far as humanly possible from each other on a couch and have a sober, perhaps even somber, discussion about their relative investments in this relationship. This is dystopian.

Nick feels . Oh my God, this girl is crying again. Honey, get some Prozac! I really want Raven and Vanessa to talk to each other, but I guess they're being kept apart? Ah well, another cute Raven/Nick date. They're skating again, this time on ice.

The producers reuse . Raven and Nick get along so well I'm just concerned that he won't let himself be with her. She's so dorky and willing to mug for the camera like him; Raven would be cute cheering from the sidelines as Nick continues to be a reality TV . If you are not Team Raven in this moment you're a crazy person!

They're in love! OK, now my guess is that Andi and Kaitlyn are there, and it's a huge letdown. There is a chic bald woman seated right next to where Chris Harrison is standing. She is much more interesting than this episode.

Nick is choosing a ring. He's got it down to two. The rings are like the women..) Moving on, Vanessa is goddamn crying again. Raven is just like, put a ring on it already. Nick sums up his situation thusly: . If I propose to Vanessa, she might say no because we aren't ready to get married. To whom should I propose?

But who cares! He's not in love. I fell for the misdirect, everything is a lie, this show is terrible, and I hate Nick. I hope he gets voted off DWTS early and has to get counseling from Taylor. Nick cries like a baby, and Raven stays poised and graceful like the adorable princess she is. Go find someone worthy of you, Raven! OK, now my guess is that Chris Harrison adopts a Husky puppy. Thinking about his love for Vanessa is physically painful for Nick, so he knows for sure that it's true love.

Nick gives a somewhat convincing spiel about falling in love with Vanessa; she smiles; they cry; they are holding hands and rocking back and forth; it's weird. Surprise, surprise, he chose the big ring. She says yes! In his defense, it's a really good butt.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling / By the. Though thy crest. I said, “art sure no craven / Ghastly grim. Raven wandering from the Nightly shore/ Tell me what thy. Night’s Plutonian shore!” / Quoth the Raven.

Nevermore.”- an excerpt from a poem that I wrote about Raven Gates from The Bachelor. LIVE from the molten core of the Earth, Chris Harrison hosts a reunion of the main players. He also says there will be a surprise that will . I guess the other point of Spanx is to enforce a heteronormative Western beauty standard. Anyway, Nick is back and truly does not seem like a man in love. Now Raven is here too, looking quite pretty. She explains that she was .

A good answer, but I also would have accepted that she's a grown woman who is able to not have a tantrum when she doesn't get her way. Raven agrees to appear on Bachelor in Paradise this summer. Now Vanessa is here, glum as ever.

She hadn't watched a full season of the show before she signed up for it, which makes sense. She didn't get what the thing was. In terms of communication! They've been together for the last few days, and that's been.. Chris asks the two of them about their fears. I go into a coma.

Vanessa announces that she is starting a charity for people living with disabilities to complete silence. Chris Harrison mentions that Nick will soon appear on Dancing With the Stars, to applause. I am still comatose with boredom. Oh, but now RRRRRrrrr. RRRRachel is here! Wearing a jumpsuit with a cape? LIKE BATMAN. She came to slay, and no, Chris Harrison, she is not upset about Nick.

She is not even that happy about Nick. She is far, far past Nick. Nick is a dot to her! But on to that much- hyped surprise.. Man, this franchise is eager to move on from Nick.

With 1. 2 minutes left, Rachel is about to meet . Did anyone guess this?

Wait, let me rephrase: Did anyone guess that the surprise was going to be this silly? This is silly. The first two guys Rachel meets are supercute! And.. that is what we know about them. The third guy she meets says he is . I am uncomfortable! The fourth guy is cute also.